A broken Hearted

Loneliness can kill you just as easily as a heart attack. I read these words today & it struck a chord with me.

My whole body has been aching all over since I’ve put myself behind these doors of my home to hide from any nasty predators who can make a person like me hurt so badly it’s been impossible to crawl back from the brink of oblivion.

Does anyone know what I’m feeling? Can anyone reach out to me or can I throw you a life buoy? Are you suffering a pain that you’re sick of pretending it will go away?  Or have you been self medicating for years,  with shopping therapy,  alcohol or drugs,  food or relationships to fill a void or that will take your mind off the white elephant in your life?

We don’t get a manual about how to survive & if you were dragged up without loving compassion I’m here to say,  “I GET YOU, I KNOW WHERE YOURE COMING FROM” as I too,  feel like a leaf blowing in the wind,  unsure of where I will land.  Will the rest of my life be just like this & why do I feel like no one gives a damn about my welfare,  my family say a few words & then I’m left alone for weeks.  Christian groups do doorbknocks & are all very keen to read THE Book to me & pray with me but you know what?  I need practical help.  I can’t cook or clean;  the timber walls are rotting & the roof is leaking.  I need some help to cut down overgrown trees that are smothering me into a corner,  whee it feels like I could die alone here & no one would find me for weeks.  My only companion,  a 10yo French mastiff,  named Honey I had to take to the vet ten days ago to be put down as her heart was giving out & she had several strokes.  So yes I’m all alone.  I feel not unlike refugees on Mani’s island. No one comes to give me mental health care or help me get dental work. I’m 60 & I’m falling to pieces.

I read something which touched a nerve by Pathways Of Light (www.pathwaysoflight.com) about healing our inner child.  The article said we always help others but care not about looking after ourselves.  It applied to me most poignantly because I have spent years helping those I cared for but I would go without,  & never consider it a deficiency.  Now,  if I was to be my own Mother or loving Father & look at this little sad girl in a older woman’s skin & think of ways to help this lost child,  then I could reach out & offer a meal to this broken human & run a bath & put music on & light a fire so this girl-woman could feel nurtured.

Could you do this for yourself? I sincerely hope you can. I would like to know that kindness can cross time & space & fill all the empty spaces with a small spark of joy,  until we grow in the warmth of the sun.